just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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