Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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