Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
