Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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