Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
