This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I need moral support for this bender
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
