I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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