I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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