mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
