the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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