Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
