I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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