I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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