I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
