I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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