You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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