I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
