Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
