would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
