Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
