The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
