Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
