I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
