does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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