If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
