Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
