How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
