I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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