Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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