so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
