I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
