We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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