How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you didnt know i had herpes?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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