its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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