After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
