sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
