I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
