there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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