I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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