I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
