we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
