My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
