i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
