I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
