Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
