Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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