A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
