Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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