I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
