his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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