I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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