Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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